Saturday, October 30, 2010

Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry.

So, Shannon and Liz made the announcement tonight. They're moving back to Puyallup. Our amazing, wonderful pastors of 4 years, close enough friends to be family. You've taught Thomas and I so much, you've been there since the beginning of our relationship. You let us lean on you during our first year of marriage (which wasn't easy), you invested time and love into helping us grow. Your children have been such an inspiration, so moldable before the Lord, so willing to adapt because there is an amazing amount of trust between you and them. I pray that Thomas and I will be as incredible at parenting as you are. I am so thankful for you Kapp family. Even though this next season is going to be tough without you here, I won't ever regret uprooting to move to California. This is where we're supposed to be (for now anyways). And if it weren't for you, church-planting here, we wouldn't have had the opportunity, or an excuse to move. I feel so blessed to have had the time with you that we did, and I hope that our friendship never grows cold. From Puyallup Foursquare to your living room, to Hope Chapel, to Oceanside High School, to Living Hope. We will always be Mission.

I'm not going to say goodbye, rather, we'll see you soon.

Friday, October 29, 2010

in picture perfect world...

I am a visual artist.

I do not create art because I can, I create art because God gave me a gift. There are times when I get critical, or I second guess some final product, but I know that the only reason I can do anything is because of Him. I may not be famous, but I'm okay with just making sure I practice the things I can do well. I want my art to stir up emotions, and memories.

Although occasionally I do, I try not to pose people, rather I like to watch, as they're living and capture precious moments for them to remember. Children are my absolute favorite to photograph. They don't care about how they look, or if their smile is crooked. They don't need to see the photo after it's taken (like most adults). They haven't reached that stage of self-indulgence yet. They are so carefree, and this makes for a fantastic photo. I am no professional, I don't even know how to use every part of my camera. I don't know anything about lighting. I don't know any key terms or phrases photographers use.... But I LOVE taking pictures. And as long as myself and others are satisfied with the final product, I will continue.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The light at the end of the tunnel

Life is like a train journey.

The day you are born you unknowingly get on board the train, and if you are lucky, you are in first class. Hopefully your parents look after your every need. Things are good for a while. In fact, things are so good, you don't even know you are on a journey.

Then, as time goes by, you begin to realize that the journey only lasts for a short while. The idea begins to consume you, but as with most things, this passes. As the train moves on, you may find you've been moved to second, or third class seats, but the train still rumbles onward, and your view changes. Occasionally the train is stopped or derailed by loss, hardship, illness or adversity and at these times you have a deeper understanding that the journey will eventually end for you when you enter the tunnel just on the horizon. However the tunnel is only a dot. You are aware of it, but for now the view is un-obscured and the sky is blue.

The train rolls on and the other passengers occupy your attention for a while until one day you look up and there is more track behind you than in front of you and the tunnel is far closer that you realized. You feel it is a dark, scary, inevitability and it blocks out your view of the country side around you.

As you enter the tunnel, you should remember that all tunnels lead somewhere. Finally the journey ends and the train grinds to a halt but in the distance is light, tiny and faint, but a light.

Don't be afraid of the dark; be excited at the prospect of a new journey, at the possibility of travel, the enormity of the journey and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation

When you pour your heart out, hoping that it will go somewhere and you look and it's all just running out on the floor, it's saddening. When you wish and pray for someone with all of your soul, you try to do everything you can for this person in order to help them be successful. Try to teach them, encourage them, lift them up. Try to push them to do better, even when they don't like it. And then, when that person hears one thing from you that they don't like or understand, your feelings don't matter, wait... they've never mattered. All those wonderful conversations we've had, all the times I've done for you exactly what you've asked, when I've given you my own belongings because you needed them, it was all just pretend? You were just using me?

I know I'm supposed to let it go, move on, not let your words affect me.

But I'm a person too.

I have feelings too.

I cry too.

I would consider myself a fairly strong person. I try not to let people's opinions of me, or even just things they may say to get me aggitated, frustrate me. But there's only so much one person can take. I can pretend too, that our relationship is fine, but on the inside, you've really hurt me.

Letter to my parents

You are the lights of my life. All four of you.

Dad: strong and proud, realistic, but still a dreamer.
Kelly: creative, passionate, encouraging and oh so loving.
Mom: fun, friendly, always the life of the party, and your compassion for people blows me away.
Buddy: so carefree, gentle, and you genuinely care for others.

When I was young, I thought having divorced parents was some sort of death sentence. Kids in school were always so depressed and this made me sad. I got lucky, I got two amazing new additions to my family. My life wouldn't be the same without you.

I wanted to see the world, to spread my wings and fly, to experience new things and you encouraged me, all of you. It might have taken you a little while to warm up to the idea of me dropping out of college to spend nine months of my life, serving at a church, with no income. But you had faith in me, and I succeeded. You might not have agreed when I decided to move two states away to southern California to be a part of a church plant (with a man, 26 and I barely 20). But I told you this was the man I loved, and you believed me, and now we're married, happily for two years. In addition to that, I have the greatest job anyone could ask for, because you let me fly.

There were rocky spots in our relationships, but the Lord knew what He was doing when He made you, and He knew what He was doing when He made me. He had a special plan for us. I'm so thankful for each and every one of you, for everything you've taught me and are still going to teach me. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for who you are.

Thank you for inspiring me, and thank you for teaching me how to love.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A Proverbs 31 Woman

A Wife of a Noble Character

"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchant's ship, bringing her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day's work for her servant girls. She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and open her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns. Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: 'There are many virtuous and capable women in the world but you surpass them all!' Charm is deceptive and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise." Proverbs 31:10-31

This woman sounds like she's got her stuff together! Making clothes and bedding... not exactly my cup of tea. It's her heart that captures me. A heart to make everyone in her house more comfortable than herself. She sacrifices her time and energy to make sure the ones she loves are safe and warm. She gives what she has, and what she can make. She knows that she and her family are protected by the Lord, and she lives her life each and every day to it's fullest potential. Her actions and words are known and she is blessed and praised because she is living out who the Lord created her to be.

Trust and Patience. Two areas in which I need to grow.

Trust: I need to be reliable, set boundaries, be trusting, be fair, and trust myself.
Patience: I need to slow down, live in each moment, and think before I speak.

Just me

I am:

*A wife
*A daughter
A sister
A friend
A believer
A dreamer
A houseparent
A giver
A photographer
A reader
A writer
*An artist
An aunt (almost)